my day today...

my mother is dying. she is not responding, eating, drinking or even opening her eyes. i went and sat with her today. i found myself sitting outside in the car hesitating to go in and see her. ever since she went into the nursing home...i've seen her less and less. partly due to location and partly due to discomfort. i can't handle seeing my mother in her condition. before i could still get a hello, i love you...i miss you, but even those few words are gone. i deal with the guilt of not spending enough time with her...telling her since i was little i would never put her in a home. she's been there now for 4 years. i tell myself that i couldn't have taken care of her or my brothers....24 hour care and lack of medical equipment...it still doesn't ease the guilt.

she may have days or even a month...but no more than that according to the nurse i talked to today. writing this down makes it real... something i have to deal with...this isn't going to get better...i can't ignore it. my mother is going to die. i sat and held her hand feeling the familiarity of it again in mine. i rubbed her arms and shoudlers and just sat there missing her...loving her. i work with a lady her same age and yet my mother lays in the home dying...it just isn't fair.

i miss my mother.