metinic island...my future temporary home

this is my home for the summer...metinic island. i think that small dot on the right side of the island is the cabin i'll be staying in. this is the north view. once again i'll be researching common terns but i'll also be able to band eiders, puffins and guillemots. i'll be staying there from mid-may to mid-july which is fine with me. my plan for when i "grow up" is to teach during the school year and work in the field with the birds in the summer...so far, so good.

here's the outside of my next home. mind you, i'll only be living there for 10 weeks. you can see the solar panels to the right of the house...so, i'll be able to charge my cell phone and camera. unfortunately, i won't have internet access...but i will on mainland when i come in every couple of weeks. i'm not sure how far away the mainland is...from the looks of the picture i'd say 5-10 miles.

this is the living room. i can already see myself sitting in one of those chairs, woolies on my feet and a book in my hand. it's hard to believe this is where i'll be staying after living in a tent for months at my last field site.

compared to the last field job...this kitchen looks like paradise. a really fridge/freezer...and a stove!!

the bedroom's nothing fancy, but looks nice with all the wood paneling. i've spent months sleeping in a bag before...inside and outside. i'm grateful that i'll be inside for this field work because of its location.

flook

not the best picture of flook, but i liked them with their instruments. i was able to catch another of their performances recently. i was never a fan of the flute since my years of sitting next to the last chair flute when i played the bassoon. however, after listening to sara and brian jam out on the flute to jigs and reels...i'm forever changed. the band is playing again at irish fest at milwaukee in 2007...of course i'll be there. if you like irish instrumental music...check them out.

isn't he such a cutie? i really enjoy listening to brian play. he brings such an energy to playing and....damn....can he play a mean tin whistle. if you're interesting in irish music, check out flook.

i was able to meet sara after the show. thanks to her and brian i'm able to listen to the flute without cringing and actually enjoy it.

Photos of my mom...

i came across this photo while going through the family albums. i had never seen it before and feel in love with it immediately. she was 18 at the time. i wish it was possible to have gotten to know her at that age. a sweet smile on a very special gal who would later become my mom.

can you believe how young we all look? this was very close to the time my mom had her brain tumor. i don't know if this was before or after the operation. regardless, looking at her eyes...i don't see the spark. i'm just thankful i still had my mom while growing up.

i remember taking this photo of mom. i asked her to make a funny face. she loved to do puzzles....she could sit for hours working on one.

isn't she pretty?

i just would like to know what made her laugh. did someone make a funny face at her or was she just being goofy? it's a good picture of her personality.

i thought this was a cute picture of my mom and dad. they were probably up at the summer house in sugar bush. she just looked really happy.

isn't she beautiful? this is a picture of my mom and me shortly after i was placed in the home.

i love black and white photos...especially old ones. i have this one of mom framed and on my bookshelf.

do you know how many times i had to wipe off the bright red lipstick from my face after she kissed me? i think she got a kick off of leaving her mark on people.

Audrey Elliott

my mother passed away at 11:50pm on march 18th. i was there holding her hand and giving her lots of kisses. i wasn't alone...my sister-in-law pam was with me too. both of us were scared and worried during the week prior that my mom would be alone when she passed...she wasn't. i don't know what i would've done without pam there with me. my mom never woke from the stroke and according to the doctors she wasn't in any pain. her body finally gave up. the memorial service is saturday, april 1st. pam made a comment that my mom would probably get a chuckle off the fact that her service is on april fools day. i'm doing okay...i have my moments of crying spurts and sadness...same with tom and david. life goes on whether we want it to or not. like i said in a previous post...i just miss her...her laugh, hugs, kisses and smile.

my day today...

my mother is dying. she is not responding, eating, drinking or even opening her eyes. i went and sat with her today. i found myself sitting outside in the car hesitating to go in and see her. ever since she went into the nursing home...i've seen her less and less. partly due to location and partly due to discomfort. i can't handle seeing my mother in her condition. before i could still get a hello, i love you...i miss you, but even those few words are gone. i deal with the guilt of not spending enough time with her...telling her since i was little i would never put her in a home. she's been there now for 4 years. i tell myself that i couldn't have taken care of her or my brothers....24 hour care and lack of medical equipment...it still doesn't ease the guilt.

she may have days or even a month...but no more than that according to the nurse i talked to today. writing this down makes it real... something i have to deal with...this isn't going to get better...i can't ignore it. my mother is going to die. i sat and held her hand feeling the familiarity of it again in mine. i rubbed her arms and shoudlers and just sat there missing her...loving her. i work with a lady her same age and yet my mother lays in the home dying...it just isn't fair.

i miss my mother.

news...

yesterday was another bad day. my brother david called to tell me my mom had a stroke. i called the nurse to see how she was doing and was told that she's pretty much unable to use her right side...which tells me it was a major stroke. she's able to swallow...with elderly patients this is a very good thing after a stroke. i'm upset about this but not as much as i would be if my mom was a healthy person prior to the stroke. my mother hasn't been "here" for years. i haven't had a conversation with her for a very long time and for the past couple of years it was only a few words before she would fade away. recently words have even stopped.

the hardest part of the day was listening to my older brother tom break down on the phone. he's dealing with his own guilt of having promised our mom with never putting her in a nursing home. i can't stand the place that she's at so that doesn't help my own guilt. i try not to think about all the negative things in my life right now but it's very difficult.

on a brighter note...i was offered a field position in ornithology out off of the coast of maine. it's a short term job...which i wanted...and it pays well. i'll be doing primarily the same thing as i did previously on the east and west coasts. i'm waiting to see if i'm in the running for a job up in alaska. the alaska job is only a week longer and it pays a tiny bit better BUT it includes airfare. the other appealing thing about the alaska job is that it deals with passerines (songbirds). i've been trying to get away from seabirds and move inland. so, we'll see what happens. i'm happy with the maine job...don't get me wrong...but the alaska job has my interest too. my plan for working in the schools during the school year and birds in the summer is coming together.

the job ends on july 21st and i don't have any obligations until the third week of august. so, i'm planning on trying to get to england for a couple of weeks. the fact that i'm going to be on the east coast and so much closer to my friend clare than being in over in wisconsin is too tempting to pass up...more importantly, i have the time and we're past due for a visit. i'm excited about seeing her and meeting her children for the first time.

not much else is happening...just trying to hold my head above water. thank you so much for the kind words and emails...it brightens my day. keep in touch.

i have my answer....

I did speak with him the other day and he isn't able to do anything for you. He feels very bad about the situation, and wishes he could help, but the answer is no.
I'm hope this will give you the closure you have been waiting for.
The courts do allow you to request that another outreach be made to your birthmother in 3 years. Were you aware of that? Maybe that is something you would want to consider.
Good Luck with all your endeavors,
Sandy

i have my answer. i wrote to the detective today asking her to contact the man who was originally believed to be my father until the dna test. he had been uncertain on whether he wanted to contact the man that he thought might be. i just don't understand and it's not that i don't want to. he had stated before that he wasn't sure he wanted to disrupt this guy's life. what about mine? he could help...he just doesn't want to...he WISHES he could help?!! he works with the man, it's not like he never see's him. all i ever wanted my whole life was a sense of my roots. i didn't want a second family...just a sense of where i come from. i have a mother that denies me so much so that she won't even release my medical records because the records aren't "pertinent to me" and no clue who my father is now. i have no idea if i'll try again in 3 years...why go through rejection a forth time? some days it's so hard to be happy.