the test results are in....

i got the results to my dna test a few days ago. the man thought to be my father....the man on my birth certificate...the man my birthmother claims is my father....is not. right now i'm in a state of numbness, denial, shock, depression...i don't know. i don't want to be around people. i don't feel like socializing. i just want to come back to the house i'm staying in with amy and hibernate.

my birthfather was notified of the results too and the detective said he was both relieved and disappointed. the detective (sandy) tried to tell my bmother, but she stated the man on the file is the father and hung up. she doesn't even know that we had a dna test done and we know the truth. as sandy said...she's definately hiding something...she's so full of anger. i don't know if she simply cheated on her boyfriend with another guy or if it was something like date rape.

i don't regret looking for them, but the sadness i feel consumes me. what little i knew about my history...my identity...is gone. i'd make jokes with people in regards to my biological history that i have my mother's height and my father's weight...and i don't have that anymore. my birthname... gone. my ethnicity...partially gone. i love my adopted parents...my family...they mean everything to me, but their history is not mine. their history is not something i feel a part of...never did. i wanted to have my own. my bmother slammed the door in my face...she wants no part of me and so that door is forever closed. and now when i thought that i could learn where my roots come from...it's another dead end and most likely forever unknown.

the man thought to be my father told sandy that he knows who may be the father. i guess they see each other several times a year, but they don't hang in the same social circles. he was debating on whether or not he was going to approach him on my behalf. i think he was hoping my bmother would do the right thing. i told sandy that i don't want to close the case until he decides whether he is or isn't going to approach the other guy. sandy has done all she can and then some. i'm truthfully not expecting a good outcome, he didn't seem too sure about talking to the other guy. we'll see what happens after the holidays.

i'm not trying to wallow in self pity. but this is too new...too fresh for me to work through this at this time. i feel so alone at times. i feel ashamed. i don't know if anyone can understand this, but i do. i've always felt like i was "crashing the party"...a mistake and this secret that she's hiding and the test results being negative just increases these feelings. i know i'm blessed with the people i have in my life and if i didn't have them...i don't know what i'd do.

for those of you interested still, i'll let you know what happens if the other guy is contacted. i'll be okay...i've got people who love me and are very supportive of me.