look at us hammin' it up for the camera. my dad was pretty excited about all of us coming down. he didn't remember our names, but he knew we were family which was all that mattered.

my great-nephew with his aunt abbey. i like to try and capture people when they don't know it...and i think this turned out to be an awesome picture.

my dad and his great-grandson dakota. are they so cute together?

this is a picture of me and my youngest niece abbey. no...those dark spots on her face are not pimples...they're piercings... teenagers!! but i love her anyway!

the test results are in....

i got the results to my dna test a few days ago. the man thought to be my father....the man on my birth certificate...the man my birthmother claims is my father....is not. right now i'm in a state of numbness, denial, shock, depression...i don't know. i don't want to be around people. i don't feel like socializing. i just want to come back to the house i'm staying in with amy and hibernate.

my birthfather was notified of the results too and the detective said he was both relieved and disappointed. the detective (sandy) tried to tell my bmother, but she stated the man on the file is the father and hung up. she doesn't even know that we had a dna test done and we know the truth. as sandy said...she's definately hiding something...she's so full of anger. i don't know if she simply cheated on her boyfriend with another guy or if it was something like date rape.

i don't regret looking for them, but the sadness i feel consumes me. what little i knew about my history...my identity...is gone. i'd make jokes with people in regards to my biological history that i have my mother's height and my father's weight...and i don't have that anymore. my birthname... gone. my ethnicity...partially gone. i love my adopted parents...my family...they mean everything to me, but their history is not mine. their history is not something i feel a part of...never did. i wanted to have my own. my bmother slammed the door in my face...she wants no part of me and so that door is forever closed. and now when i thought that i could learn where my roots come from...it's another dead end and most likely forever unknown.

the man thought to be my father told sandy that he knows who may be the father. i guess they see each other several times a year, but they don't hang in the same social circles. he was debating on whether or not he was going to approach him on my behalf. i think he was hoping my bmother would do the right thing. i told sandy that i don't want to close the case until he decides whether he is or isn't going to approach the other guy. sandy has done all she can and then some. i'm truthfully not expecting a good outcome, he didn't seem too sure about talking to the other guy. we'll see what happens after the holidays.

i'm not trying to wallow in self pity. but this is too new...too fresh for me to work through this at this time. i feel so alone at times. i feel ashamed. i don't know if anyone can understand this, but i do. i've always felt like i was "crashing the party"...a mistake and this secret that she's hiding and the test results being negative just increases these feelings. i know i'm blessed with the people i have in my life and if i didn't have them...i don't know what i'd do.

for those of you interested still, i'll let you know what happens if the other guy is contacted. i'll be okay...i've got people who love me and are very supportive of me.

she's 21!!

here's a picture of me and my number one niece. i've called her that since the day she was born. she's my first-born, i like to say. i don't know what i would've done if that bullet took her life. i think it would've taken part of me with it.

christi and dakota. he's such a happy baby...what a lucky mom!

it's my niece's birthday today. she's 21. i turned 21 when i was living in philadelphia. i spent the night out with my friend from england. i was so ready to get carded, but noooooooooo. there was even a sign up that said "if you're 35 or younger we'll card you." talk about a let down. i had a good time regardless.
my niece is spending her 21st birthday at home. when i called she was feeding her son dakota. she can't even cut loose a little because she is pregnant with her second child. she's going to have two kids a year apart. whew!!

i still haven't heard the results from the dna test. it should literally be any day now. i keep imagining different scenerios...good and bad. i find myself anxious...the day can't go by fast enough for me, but there's nothing for me to do except wait.

jeez, i wanna get outta here. i find myself searching the ornithological job site. there are already listings for jobs in the spring. i'd like to find a 4 to 6 week job for the summer. i was hired for two jobs up in alaska, but i took the oregon one...this was before taiwan. i'm hoping to find the one that was offered to me up in barrow. i figure a short field season job to stay fresh followed by a nice trip somewhere. man, i'm getting pulled towards taiwan, england and canada. all three places have friends on the other end i would love to see. we'll see what happens. it hasn't gotten so bad being back here that i'm searching the international teaching ads....but give it time. you never know...i just may end up working here for the summer. the way my life goes, it's one week at a time. it's strange to think that i haven't been in one place longer than two years.

BEEN THERE...
england, wales, ireland, france, switzerland, austria, italy, germany, republic of czech, sweden, canada, taiwan and thailand. all of the united states except; rhode island, alaska, and hawaii.

i just felt like putting that in there. i wonder where else i'll end up going.

Ramblings......

you know, i always knew americans were on the rude, brash, "in-your-face" kinda people but i didn't realize to what degree until moving back here after taiwan. i find the customers' need to vent and bitch at me for whatever little reason...the price of gas is too high or i hit tax for water accidentally...a bit overwhelming. i'm not used to the loud personalities anymore. of course i'm not the type to let myself get walked over totally...i have a mouth and i know how to stand up for myself.

i also find it difficult to maintain eye contact or easily bring a smile to my face. i got used to walking around "invisible" in taiwan. i had gotten used to walking past strangers or entering a store without someone belting out a greeting. people in taiwan don't normally strike up conversations with strangers or smile when smiled at and usually have wooden faces instead of beaming from ear to ear. of course people would stare at me sometimes, but when i would look back they would look away...most of the time. i do miss the odd person coming up to me every now and then simply to try out their english. or the drive-by scooter guy that would shout out "HI! HOW ARE YOU?!"

i miss my students terribly. i miss hearing "teacher susan" shouted down the street by some student while i'm walking home. i miss.....the temples, corn soup served in paper coffee cups, the sound of scooters cruising down the lanes, morning rush hour during the rain and all the colors of raingear on the scooter drivers, reading badly written english on advertisements, the sound of firecrackers during chinese new year, seeing christmas decorations in may, the fruit and food vendors on the streets, dumplings, milk tea with bubbles, the sweet potato man who will wrap up a nice hot potato in newspaper...cut it open and slab some butter on it. i miss taiwan enough that i'm seriously thinking of going for part of the summer.

i don't know what i was expecting when i moved back....but my life now sure isn't it. i'm currently living with my friend amy in a two-bedroom house along with amy's boyfriend, two sons, two dogs, two guinea pigs and a cat. i had lived in a couple places before amy, but they didn't work out for various reasons. my expenses for school are keeping me from getting my own place. i don't make enough money to pay for an apartment....regardless of size....to stay afloat and pay for tuition. i have a couple of options, but they all mean moving out of the minocqua area. what makes another move even more complicated is that i still will have to make my way back to the elementary school i'm working in. everything will work out eventually, i just hate things being up in the air. so, i might be moving up to northern michigan in a matter of weeks.

i also find myself lonely...sort of...or missing what once was. my friendship with dean (former cousin by marriage) is non-existent. we used to hang out and game or chat and that's gone. i've seen him twice since being home. everyone warned me that he had changed...sort of withdrawn and rather serious. regardless, his change in personality has affected our friendship for the worse. my breakup with erv has severed the rest of my little gang...one of the drawbacks of having mutual friends. if it wasn't for amy, i don't know what i'd do.

i took the dna test finally. for those that don't know....when my birthfather was found and contacted he requested a dna test. i guess he was given a different birthdate for me and he just wants to be sure. i'll know one way or another within the next two weeks if he is or isn't my father. of course, i'll eventually post it on my blog when i get the test results. keep in touch...